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I had a moment of enlightenment this evening. And I choked on it.

I was standing at a window, pondering a decision I had to make. As too often happens with me, I was waffling between one option and another—and the less risky option was winning.

With the thought still fresh in my mind, I turned to get a drink from the water cooler. As I poured a glass of room-temperature water, I glanced up at the calendar that hung on the wall. The Bible verse said, “Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” (Galatians 6:9)

The verse was especially meaningful to me at that moment, with my insecure thoughts. But I let the words roll off my consciousness, returning to the thought of my “safe” decision, as I raised the glass of water to my lips.

One swallow was all it took—instant choke. For some unknown reason, I can not drink tepid liquids—my throat seizes up, and I’m left coughing and gasping for breath.

In mid-wheeze, another Bible verse suddenly appeared in my mind: “Because you are lukewarm—–neither hot nor cold—–I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” (Revelation 3:16)

Whoa.

I had been studying my decision from a decidedly lukewarm point of view. I knew exactly what I wanted, but didn’t think it was possible, so was resigning myself to settling for less. I was being lukewarm—and if I admitted the truth to myself, I approached far too many other daily decisions in the same way.

I caught my breath and looked out the window again. What would happen if, just this once, I cast aside the tepid option and went all-out, full-tilt for the choice that required all my fire, enthusiasm, and confidence? The potential for failure was huge. But like the quote says:

“Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure… than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I know what I’m going to do.

So how about you?

Are you hot or not?

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© 2008 Christine Taylor

Tags: Faith, Inspiration, Personal, Quotes by mousewords
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I’m continuing toward my goal of writing 50,000 words of fiction in June for the Southern Cross Novel Challenge! I’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past week, with many exciting moments.

However, I’ve been remiss in posting blogs lately…the latest episode (at the top) tells why. It took me two videos and a good amount of Kleenex to explain.

Day 26 – Origins, Part 1

Day 26, and I explain the origins of my novel–and something of my own life’s story.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiJWwxi7CoY]

Origins, Part 2
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-BD8QpbuCY]

Day 21 – Environment

Day 21 of the Southern Cross Novel Challenge–a day when I realize that environment has an effect on the words I write.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=62Ojj0BlVXE]

Day 19 – Dreams Come True

Day 19 of SocNoC–and I’m seeing the goal within reach!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oax6GaOfU6Y]

Day 16 – We’re Halfway There

Day 16 of the Southern Cross Novel Challenge–halfway to the end of the month, and halfway through the goal of writing 50,000 words of fiction!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=df8r6Evaass]

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© 2008 Christine Taylor, All Rights Reserved

Tags: Carbon Monoxide Awareness, Faith, Inspiration, Internet, Journal, News, Personal, Video, Writing by mousewords
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I was writing at Starbucks for the day. The internet wasn’t free, so I decided not to go online—I thought I would probably get more work done that way. I planned to write blog posts; but I soon found that neither my flash drive nor my laptop contained the drafts I intended to finish. My drafts are backed up in email, but I didn’t think it was worth the time or effort to log on. So, instead, I organized some story files, then decided to go through the blog drafts I did have.

I opened the first file in a series of three that I had jotted down, but never developed—a “Goal Quest” series. I didn’t feel particularly qualified to guide others on their goal quests today, but I opened it anyway.

I was facing a short paragraph that confronted me with an unexpected challenge:

“Get away by yourself to a quiet place, and take a good look at your life. What is your purpose? What do you want to accomplish? Write down everything that comes to mind, and study the list. What is important to you? What do you want to do?”

I had written the words weeks ago, but I never expected myself to be the audience. Shocked, I took in my surroundings. Cool and sunny, peaceful if not silent. Quiet. I had nothing else to work on, so I started writing down the answers to my questions. I finished with this:

~~I want to live independently and freely

~~I want to drive my own transportation; go where I want whenever I want

~~I want to write and create freely in a peaceful, relaxing environment

~~I want to live the most I can live, without limitations of worry, health, or fear

~~I want to be free to be myself

I saved the document, looked out the window for a minute, and wondered—How? I felt the vague notion that I needed action steps for my goals. I thought perhaps taking action steps would prepare me for the time when the goals become reality. So I opened a new note and began typing the first goal that came to mind:

Goal: Buy/Lease a mini SUV

Action steps: Practice driving

I stopped there. It felt aimless. Preparing is good, but how do I achieve what I’m preparing for? Feeling a sense of the ludicrousness of the situation, I opened up the second document in my Goal Quest series. Maybe I had some pointers for myself, I thought.

The first thing on the page was James 1:6-7:

“But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord.”

A beautiful tune began playing in Starbucks then–I could only half-hear it. I caught the words, “Got in her car…”

I looked out window again, watching all the mini SUVs fly past. Two young women, one pushing a stroller, appeared to my right, walking along the sidewalk in front of me. I thought of the future, of having a family. Facing all these goals I had just written, the goals I wanted so much, I reflected that my lack of faith is what’s crippling me. I can’t see how to achieve what I desire most. I feel like I’ll be stuck here forever. I panicked at the helplessness.

I turned to the Lord on a cry of my heart: “How??”

My eyes fell on the young woman who was now at my left. She was pulling her sweatshirt jacket over her shoulders, and suddenly I saw the words printed across the back in big, bold letters:

DO WORK

“Oh, God,” I whispered as tears stung into my eyes. “Oh, God.” I’ve been hearing the word “work” for months, in answer to my pleas. I know the work I need to do, and I’ve been trying to do it. But I still feel frozen by fear and doubt…doubt that it will accomplish anything. Doubt that I can accomplish anything.

I let the feeling soak in–the feeling of hearing God speak. And then my ears caught a few more words from the quiet song in the background:

“You’ll never be alone, no matter what. You’re going to be okay.”

I cried all the more. It’s the answer to all my prayers. The key I need to unlock the future I desire so much. I will work, and God will make magic out of it. Somehow, for the first time, the realization sank in. I believed it.

The future is now.

I left Starbucks, and walked back into my busy life with a new, soul-stirring sense of peace and security. God will make it work.

Pop picked me up, and as he turned the ignition, the car radio came to life in the middle of an advertisement for the new “Chronicles of Narnia” movie, which debuts this weekend. I heard Liam Neeson’s rich voice–as the character of Aslan the Lion, who represents Christ–ask:

“Are you prepared for the wonder that awaits you?”

Yes, Lord. Yes.

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Tags: Faith, Inspiration, Journal, Musings, Personal, Quotes, Writing by mousewords
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At the moment, I live at home with my folks and sister. The challenge about this is that it’s hard to find a quiet space for my work or personal time; but the good part is that I can spend one-on-one time with the family I love.

Weekend mornings often turn into “dad and me” time. Dad’s an early riser; I’m usually next. It’s typical for me to walk into the dining area on a Sunday morning and be greeted with the warm aroma of pancakes and coffee, and the sight of my Dad seated at the table with the lights on (no matter how sunny it is outside) and the newspaper and remnants of his breakfast spread out around him. This was the scene that greeted me today.

I poured myself a cup of coffee and drifted over to the table, picking up the career section. The cover story talked about protective parents who need to let go of their college-bound offspring. Not much else there, so as my Dad opened the business section, I peeked over his shoulder. This is a bit of a Sunday ritual–I drink my coffee, he turns the pages. If I’m interested in something, I lean closer or ask him to wait before turning the page. Technically, I’m being a pest, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

My glance idled through a column about one man’s need to let go of an aging parent who tends to make unwise financial decisions. Then my Dad interrupted my thoughts with a comment about the business article he was reading. He closed his remark with diffidence: “Of course, that’s just my opinion.” But his thoughts were right on, as they usually are.

There are times when Dad has a clear perspective on things that I’m either unaware of, or don’t understand. I value his wisdom. By the same token, I know there are subjects that I can explain to him.

Next, we read the trivia column together and started talking about tides. Both of us have a solid knowledge of that subject. We’re on an even field in this respect.

It led us to a discussion of ocean currents. I had never quite understood how they worked, but my Dad was able to explain it clearly to me. Seawater condenses as it gets cold in the north, then sinks. The water moves south, where it gets warmer and rises toward the surface. Eventually, it’s driven north—and the cycle starts all over again.

Suddenly, as I stood there looking over Dad’s shoulder, the puzzle pieces of the past few minutes began to assemble in my mind. My Dad and myself finding common ground and learning from each other. Parents letting go of adult children; adult children letting go of aging parents.

The world keeps changing. Life keeps moving. Yet somehow it always goes back to the place where it started. Like the currents of the ocean.

At some point, it will be my children who are looking over my shoulder; learning from my experience, sharing understanding, teaching me what they know. Looking over my shoulder, and preparing to take their place in the world.

Life flows.

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Tags: Family, Inspiration, Journal, Musings, Personal by mousewords
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Window perspective, Photoshopped, originally uploaded by ergozoom.

I had a dream the other night. In my dream, I was in a busy atmosphere, in a creative location. I don’t know what place it was, but I remember feeling confident, and guiding others in a group project. I had a clear sense of what I needed to do.

At one point in the dream, my task led me to a winding staircase. I began climbing the stairs, without thinking twice—I just knew it was what I was supposed to do. Still feeling that sense of quiet confidence, I continued upward, higher and higher.

The higher I went, the narrower the stairwell became; until suddenly, I rounded a curve and found myself facing a wall. To my horror, the wall began closing in on me. In my dream, I realized that this was due to the machinations of the place—like the gears in a clock tower, the area was supposed to move and change. But now it was going to crush me, and because I was up so high and the stairwell was so narrow, I couldn’t move to escape! Panicked thoughts raced through my brain. I had felt so sure I was on the right path—was I wrong? Had I made a mistake? Would it be the end of me?

Just when I was certain it was all over for me, the wall stopped moving. It took me a moment to realize that I was safe. When I looked at the wall, I realized that it wasn’t as close as I had thought it was. Yes, I was in a tight spot—I could barely move. But something told me the wall was supposed to move, and it wasn’t going to crush me.

I awoke and went about my day. The image of the tight staircase and moving wall was so vivid that it clung to my thoughts, and bothered me. But soon the image clicked, and I realized something.

The Face of Success

There are times when we know what we are doing, feel confident in our abilities, and are certain we’re on the right path. Things go smoothly—for a time. Then suddenly we find ourselves higher than we’ve ever dared to go before, in a place that moves and changes unexpectedly. And the walls begin to close in on us.

The name of the place, I think, is Success.

Fear of failure is a well-known obstacle… but fear of success is equally debilitating. We can spend a great deal of time climbing toward success, preparing for it, dreaming of what it will be like; but when the reality actually arrives, it overwhelms us. We feel as if we have reached a stopping place where the world is closing in, and there is no way either to escape or keep moving upward.

At this point, we need to take a good look at where we are, and recognize the place for what it really is. It’s bigger and stranger than we had ever imagined it could be…and it demands more of our talents, strengths, and abilities than we feel we possess.

But that’s not a reason to give up.

Staring at the massive wall of Success, realizing it will not destroy us, we have two choices: Continue forward, or slide back down the way we came. After working so long and hard to get where we are, is giving up even an option?

Face the fearsomeness of Success, and realize that it will challenge you. But you can conquer it and move forward.

How?

Don’t ask me. I’m still at the top of the stairs facing a wall. But I know it’s not going to crush me…and I’ve started to look around to see what I can do next.

Because I’m not backing down.

Dreams are sweetest when they come true.

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Tags: Inspiration, Musings, Personal by mousewords
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As I awoke this morning, my thoughts filled with a certain dream of mine. Not the singing-the-National-Anthem at-a-Dodgers-game in-your-skivvies kind of dream. The goal-in-your-heart kind of dream. The one that fills your waking hours, and sometimes seems as unlikely to occur as the Nation Anthem solo.

This was a morning when the dream seemed far from being achieved…mostly because of my own shortcomings, as I see them. It can take a long time to wait for a dream. After a while, waiting becomes the status quo; and it begins to seem as if the dream will never be anything more than its name.

I turned over to take up my Bible for morning meditation. As I did, my eyes fell on a Dasani water bottle on my nightstand. Sunlight filtered through the semi-transparent label, catching my attention with a beautiful blue-green color. I had a passing thought that it would be a lovely color to use in one of my art pieces; then picked up my Bible, said a prayer, and opened to a random page.

Nothing is ever random in God’s universe. I found myself looking at Ezekiel 39:8: “It is coming! It will surely take place, declares the Sovereign Lord. This is the day I have spoken of.”

A little ripple of shock, followed by excitement, went through my heart. The Lord had heard me, and was telling me that my dream would come true. It reminded me of the Daily Word devotional for this date–”With God, all things are possible.” Even if I couldn’t see how.

So I arose and went about my day. Who knows—maybe, somewhere ocean-deep in my heart, I didn’t really believe my dream would come true. In any case, God must have thought I needed a clearer message. So He sent me peacocks.

Peacocks. Four of them.

I live in the Central California coast—like, in a condo, in the middle of an area that has streets, industry, homes. No zoos. No aviaries. The wildest bird I’ve ever seen here was a white dove.

But today there were four magnificent peacocks taking a leisurely stroll across the deck outside my window. All I could do was stare at them. Peacocks.

With beautiful Dasani-blue feathers.

I watched them, bemusedly, till they disappeared. Who knows where they came from or where they went.

A few minutes later, a cable guy knocked on the door. On a Saturday. And we don’t have cable. However, our DSL is coming up for renewal, and we’ve been thinking of changing to cable. That has been my job, to research the services, and discover which company and which plan would give me the bandwidth speed I need for video conferences. I’ve been distracted with this—I’ve been fretting about it, trying to figure it out, worrying that I wouldn’t get it done in time, doubting that it was even possible to get faster internet where we live.

Suddenly, there was the cable guy on my doorstep. He gave us a flyer that had every plan we could possibly need on it. Told us that they would be installing cable in other condos around us next week. Mentioned that there were no contracts to worry about, no installation fees, no prime-time slowdowns of service. Just effectively answered every one of my questions, dispelled my worries, and took the matter out of my hands, giving me exactly what I hoped for.

Peacocks and a cable guy.

When something that unusual happens, I can’t help thinking that there must be a reason. Within moments, it sank in.

With God, all things are possible.

I may think this dream of mine is way out there, too impossible to come true. But so are peacocks in a condo complex. I may think I need to work extra hard, earn my dream, be worthy enough before it can come true—do a whole litany of tasks before I can have what I want. When all along it’s really a gift of God’s grace, which He will lay on my doorstep at exactly…the right…moment.

Dasani blue. Whenever I see it, I’ll think of peacocks, a cable guy, and God’s clear, eclectic voice speaking to me on a sunny Saturday.

With God, anything’s possible.

Even the unlikely.

Photography by Stacy J-M Taylor

Tags: Animals, Faith, Humor, Inspiration, Journal, Musings, Personal by mousewords
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I’ve just had the honor of being called an SOB on Liz Strauss’ blog!

“Successful and Outstanding Bloggers — They take the conversation to their readers, contribute great ideas, challenge us, make us better, and make our businesses stronger.

I thank all of our SOBs for thinking what we say is worth passing on. Good conversation shared can only improve the blogging community.”

Thanks, Liz. You totally fit the description of a Successful and Outstanding Blogger yourself. :-)

Tags: Inspiration, Internet, Journal, News, Personal, Social Media by mousewords
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“…obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” ~ Matthew 28:20

After spending too much time working last night, I went to bed way too late, missing my 10pm “quiet time” for relaxing that has been my goal recently. After that, I slept through the morning alarms and woke up late. Immediately I felt anxious, thinking I’d never be able to get everything done today that I should.

I took up my Bible to get a word for the day, thinking to myself that I didn’t have a lot of time to meditate. The Book opened to that verse above, the last verse on the last page of the book of Matthew. I thought, “The Lord is giving me a quick glimpse to help me in my day, without taking a lot of time to read.”

Then I glanced at the next page, the start of Mark. My study Bible starts each book with a description of the author, the historical setting, and the theme of the work. Phrases from this book’s description nearly leapt out at me:

“The main characteristic of this Gospel is action.”

“The book of Mark stresses facts and actions rather than themes or topics. Although it’s the shortest of the four Gospels, it is often the most detailed.”

Action. Take action, do the things I need to do today. My day will be a short one—especially since I must stop at 10, I need that relaxation time—but, like the book of Mark, it can be most detailed.

Stressing “facts and actions” rather than excuses and dilly-dallying, I can do it. I can make this a worthwhile day.

Blog post done, and off I go to do the next thing.

Tags: Faith, Inspiration, Journal, Musings, Personal by mousewords
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So I bought some new shoes the other day.

I love to shop, but sometimes buying eludes me. I’m notorious for being indecisive in the area of my wardrobe. I often wind making unwise purchases in a last-minute rush as the store closes. That means I’ll be back shopping again soon, after I realize the outfit I put together is really pathetic.

Even when I can make a decision, there has to be a catch. Like the last time I went shopping for shoes. Big decision–shoe shopping is the bane of my wardrobe-building existence. One of my feet is half a size smaller than the other, so one shoe of the two is always going to be either cramped or loose. For this reason, I’ll put off purchasing new shoes until even I am ashamed of the old ones.

What a coincidence, at the very time I made my decision, the department store was offering shoes for sale. I couldn’t in good conscience put off the necessity any longer. I broke down and began looking.

So there I was, trying on shoes. Boots, to be precise. Since I needed footgear anyway, I decided I wanted a pair of stylish boots, with a good-sized heel. However, despite my resolution, my notorious shopping reputation was with me that day. When the afternoon drew to a close and I was still walking around the department store in stocking feet, I began to think it wasn’t in my destiny to own shoes that looked good and were comfortable at the same time.

Then, suddenly, I laid eyes on them. Brown leather ankle boots, with a nice tall heel. I tugged them onto my feet, wondering to myself if this was the day that would actually find me making a successful shoe purchase. Ah ha, no such luck. The boots looked great. Problem was, one foot was uncomfortable. Yes, I know, no surprise, right? But I mean, this was really uncomfortable. It was like…all bunchy. I walked around in those boots for half an hour, while I looked for my other options. But there weren’t any.

Then I heard the familiar call–”Ten minutes to closing.” Driven yet again to making an adrenaline-inspired purchase, I decided to take the boots, telling myself what one usually tells oneself when buying shoes: “They never feel right in the store, anyway.” “I’ll try them at home with different socks.” “They’ll conform to my foot…eventually.”

Newly confident in my self-delusion, I removed the boots and headed to the checkout. It was only when I was standing in line that I happened to look down inside the boot I was holding. I reached my hand down into the footwear and pulled out a clear plastic form, which hugged the entire inside area of the boot and extended up the ankle. It was meant to keep the boot’s shape for display. I’d been walking around the store with that thing in my shoe for half an hour.

I put the boot back on, right then and there, WITHOUT the plastic form.

You know, those are some of the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever owned.

My ego, however, still hurts.

Tags: Fashion and Beauty, Humor, Journal, Musings, Personal by mousewords
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[Edit from 02/26: Whoops.]

Tags: Personal by mousewords
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